Thursday, December 24, 2015

LCD Soundsystem, Death, and Working too Much

The T-Rex was only supposed to kill for one day. Instead, he killed for 8. This is known as the massacre of Hanukkah.

If you just want to hear a new LCD Soundsystem song (released today!!! 12/24/15), just skip to the end.

In the past year, I've lost 3 grandparents. I am all outta grandparents. Losing the first two (which both passed within 24hrs of each other) was by far the hardest. They helped raise me, and although they were basically a second set of parents at times, they were a special set. They were parents that didn't have to worry about my teenage angst or driving me away. They were parents that were as real with me and my choices when I was born as when I was in my late 20's making shitty decisions. When they died, I didn't cry. I got cold towards everyone close to me except my mother, who I knew would need me now that she had lost some of her best friends. I cried weeks later, getting out of bed, thinking about chicken soup. Knowing that I would never again be able to walk into my grandmother's New Rochelle home and be greeted by the best God damn chicken soup made on this green Earth. I would never be able to do a morning workout with my grandfather in the morning (sprinting up and down the stairs, doing pushups in every nook and cranny). I lose a little of myself every time I think about them, and knowing that I will never be able to talk to them again. For all intensive purposes, it was my first bout with true grief.

As much as I feel their absence all the time, life goes on.

Flash forward to to my 99 year old grandmother passing. Here is a woman who lived on a diet of orange juice, diet coke, cigarettes, and grapefruit for the better part of 60 years (take note motherfuckers, secret to everlasting life). Every time I saw her for the last 5 years, we would have a different iteration of the same conversation:

GrandMa: (pulls me aside with Brock Lesnar talons): Do you know how old I am?
Me: Yes grandma.
GrandMa: I'm older than anyone you have ever known or will ever know. Why am I so healthy? What the hell?
Me: I have no idea grandma.
GrandMa: (contemplates this) Are you doing well at your job?
Me: Yes grandma.
GrandMa: Good job.
Me: I'll see you later grandma
GrandMa: (Shrugs) Ok, no promises.

She was never being melodramatic, it wasn't in her. She thought everyone getting excited over her 'making it' to 100 was retarded. It was just a number to her. All of her friends were dead, who cares? While my first grandparents taught me to be a loving human being, Grandma Paulette taught me what it was like to be strong. To not give two shits about what someone thinks about you.

Paulette died during the busiest part of my my working season (I'm actually typing this as I'm wrapping things up). What bothered me the most about her passing was that I was too busy to feel anything. Literally, days and weeks were blending together to the point where I felt like she had died months ago only a few days after I helped lower her into the ground. This is kind of the final straw at my current location of employment. I can't afford to not be able to grieve for family members. It was only with the release of a new LCD Soundsystem song (my favorite band, who has been dormant since 2011), when I finally felt what I wanted to feel.

May everyone be able to cherish and grieve for those close to you. Have a Merry Christmas.

LCD Soundsystem: Christmas Will Break Your Heart

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