Saturday, January 29, 2011

NO Shotgun: A Voyage Wrapped in Tums and Pepto

I found an old pre-workout supplement, NO Shotgun, sitting in a deep cubbard of my apartment. Apparently, hiding it from myself was not an effective deterrent to old and forgotten memories of usage, so I said fuck it and poured myself a scoop.

NO Shotgun features 2 potent effects on your body
- a crack like go-get'em hyper active attitude
- explosive nitric oxide poop

Both of these help with lifting (especially if you are hung over), but not in the way it should.

Now, there should be no doubts before a heavy deadlift. You should be completely focused on visualizing the pull. NO Shotgun takes your mind where it needs to be, but only because your brain is screaming to your sphincter in rough baritone 'hoooolllldddd, holllllddddddd' lest you unleash your undigested soul through your anus in a moment of iron and passion.
Make no mistake, explosive supplements make for violent rushes to the bathroom, and it's awful for everyone (and that means you).
It's the kind of poop that spawns unearthly comic book onomatopoeia like 'Gorsh!' and 'Puuulag?'
My NO Shotgun shit causes disturbances in the force
At least 9 children have died in 3rd world countries from drinking water contaminated by my afterbirth
It will give you the power of a Titan, then shame you 30min later.

Captain Slippy Colon in a Jar
Stay away. Get stronger.

It's awful for everyone, and that means you.

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